Overcrowding

In the absence of harmony,
The unattainable is hanging.
 
Pink clouds float by -
Cotton candy.
 
In the pool's reflection,
Nonexistence glimmers.
 
Bitterness dances with sweetness.
The overcrowded mind shivers.
 
In the cocoon of thorns
Life shimmers.

A bit of Robin Williams in all of us

“The peace of mind one experiences on one’s own, one’s certainty of self in the serenity of solitude, are nothing in comparison to the release and openness and fluency one shares with another, in close companionship . . .”

The Elegance of the Hedgehog by Muriel Barbery

Since the news of his death, I have been thinking about Robin Williams – about his life, his inspiring work, and the way he died. And here are some thoughts that I can’t get out of my head….

In his work, he appeared so funny, so joyful, so engaging, with seemingly boundless energy. But if you really really looked into his eyes, especially during interviews, what you would see was wisdom, depth and sadness. A whole big ocean of despair. It wasn't diluted by the cameras, the lights, or even laughter, it was that strong. His eyes always said "I love my craft, I love my children, but I don't really belong here...I am just a visitor..."

Who knows what specifically pushed him over the edge. My mom used to say "you never know what's going on behind closed doors." The closed doors of our hearts, our minds, our houses. We just speculate and often over-simplify - depression, anxiety, early stages of Parkinson's disease...Loneliness. What pushes one over the edge? We will never truly know.

The interesting thing is that we were all shocked by the news of Robin Williams' death. He fooled us all in a way, and lulled us into a sense of security thinking "Robin Williams is strong and he will be around for a long time. Look how funny he is. He survived the heart surgery and all."

Was he putting on the brave show for all of us? Possibly. Was he so unique in doing so? I think not. Isn’t there a bit of "Robin Williams" in all of us?

How many of us put on the brave show every day? How about every hour? How many of us take deep breaths just to be able to get out of bed? And for how many of us no breathing or mountains of antidepressants are enough to get us out of bed? How many of us conjure up a wide smile and say "I am great" when asked "how are you" while crumbling inside?

As a coach, I see it a lot. People come seeking "career advice." And often times, it turns out that while they may need tweaks to their résumés, what they seem to be even hungrier for is a human interaction. Just for someone to care, even for a fee, and listen to the small insignificant - and yet to them enormous and paramount - details of their lives. Think of all the people you love the most. Those people who create a safe, warm internal glow in your heart. I bet their eyes light up when you enter the room and they genuinely want to hear what you ate for lunch and whether you enjoyed it.

I suppose, ultimately, we are all alone in our heads. Prisoners of our minds, our despairs, our fears...I know, it’s not a unique thought. For some reason it feels more real than ever to me now. In the world of so many people, no-one should feel so alone within the prison of our minds that there is no other way but to leave this world. But I know it's idealistic to think that.

The older I get, the more I am convinced that nobody can live for someone else. Robin Williams seemed to have such loving children whom he adored. And yet, they didn't have enough gravitational force to keep him here.

The odds, I think, are stacked up against us in some ways.  There are certain exacerbating circumstances of the world we live in. 

For example, I think social media makes us feel more lonely and isolated.  It creates this emotional dissonance.  A mind cannot help but wonder "I have 100+ so called friends on Facebook. Didn't anyone notice my cryptic SOS message??"

Also, our world values self-reliance and personal responsibility a lot. I don't know if it's above all else, but it's close, pretty up there. We must make our own medical decisions, do our own taxes, take charge of our own career, raise perfect children - no matter the circumstances, etc. etc. etc. That's a lot to deal with, don't you think? And now imagine doing it all under the watchful and often unkind eye of the public.... Wouldn't it drive you mad?

Brene Brown, a researcher and writer who studies vulnerability and shame, says that for men shame comes from one source - being viewed as weak. Did Robin Williams feel that he wouldn't be able to bare watching his kids and the whole world pity him in his battle with Parkinson's? Could the shadow of the shame be too dark?

Williams' friend and actor Harvey Fierstein said on Twitter: "Please, people, do not fuck with depression. It's merciless. All it wants is to get you in a room alone and kill you." It really stuck with me…"in a room alone…” And I wanted to add, "and please people keep each other company." Yes, depression is an illness and please don't mess with it. Do whatever must be done. But if there is a bit of despair and loneliness in all of us, let's not wait for the darkness to envelop us. Let's mind the depression but let’s also just really mind each other. And no, I don’t mean “let’s take care of each other, let’s hug and sing Kumbaya” (although there may be a place and time for that too.) All I am saying is pay attention to other fellow humans. Even the unlovable kinds (or maybe especially them). 

There is nothing more important than listening without judging (and man, do I suck at that, a massive work in progress). You know those announcements right before a hurricane? They say “please check on your elderly and disabled neighbors.” I think we should just check on each other - young, old, abled, disabled, it doesn't matter. And do it all the time.

For example, it could start simply by asking someone "how are you" and really listening to the answers... Don’t walk away. Don't let them get away with an impersonal "I am fine." Listen for clues. Read between the lines. Let's allow each other, allow ourselves, to get unglued from time to time. Think of it as a cleansing ritual. It’s not a sign of weakness. It’s a sign we are human and we are learning, and we are doing something so natural and normal – relying on each other.   

Here is my wish and prayer for myself and for all of us. Since we are all just mere humans, visitors on this beautiful planet, when the night falls on our souls (I am not saying IF because it is enviable that it would happen during the course of our lives in varying degrees), may there always be someone by our side... Someone real. Someone who will simply say "I hear you, I see you. Namaste – Your spirit honors your spirit." And may this message come in every form imaginable, including but certainly not limited to the following:

"Want to grab a beer?”

“Shall we have some strong Turkish tea?”

“How about we take a walk together?”

“Let’s sit quietly here and pray together.”

Connecting the dots

"You can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life." - Steve Jobs

I have not written in a long time. It's not that life hasn't happened. It did. And it's not that there has been a lack of profound moments to write about. That's not it either. It's just that there was (and still is) a lot of good work to do. And there was no urgency to write about it as various thoughts were cooking in my head (or my soul, I am never entirely sure where they originate and develop).

There is something important I have uncovered, or perhaps re-discovered. And now a message has formed and it feels urgent enough to share.

Let me start by saying that I think I may have been the last person who finally bought an iPhone. I remember the date - October 5, 2011. It was the day Steve Jobs died.

I ordered the phone (partly because it was time to let go of my old phone and party as a tribute), watched the news and his now famous commencement address from 2005.

The commencement was about many things but the biggest message I remembered (or was I meant to hear and remember that particular message?) was this: just do your thing and trust that the dots will connect.

Today, as I am writing this blog post on my iPhone, I am thinking about all the dots that have connected and may have yet to connect, and I feel an enormous sense of gratitude. Why you ask? I will tell you. I started a number of new things a while back. In fact, I feel that I’ve been starting and finishing all kinds of things (colleges, papers, projects, commitments, etc.) for some time now. And I often got a lot of questions “What is that certificate for?” or “will you get more money or a bigger job as a results of X, Y or Z” or “Don’t you have enough going on?” or “Don’t you ever sleep?” Or sometimes a well-meaning, but a little hurtful “do you ‘still’ paint?” which to me sounds like “gosh, you should have just grown up already and given that up by now.” To all of that, most of the time, I smile and say “I don’t know exactly how it will all hang together, but it will. I believe it will.” There is something liberating about this kind of confidence. It’s not arrogance or sense of self importance. It’s actually the opposite. It’s an admission of my vulnerability and lack of wisdom to "know it all". My humanness, if you will.

I find that the dots most often connect in the most magical and unexpected ways. And sometimes they connect in a very “sneaky” and unrecognizable ways as if to say “peekaboo, didn’t expect me to show up here, did you?” And it’s ok with me. And while I am an active participant in the nitty-gritty of it all, I don't even think about that. I just do. But when I have a small luxury to stand back and appreciate the outcomes, albeit as small as they might sometimes be, for me that is the beauty of the Divine Universe at its very best. The Universe working exactly as it should.  

All of this is not exactly a new understanding for me. A while back I wrote about "Universe's helping hand” when the painting I was doing a research paper on was “magically” brought out of the storage right in front of my eyes at the Metropolitan Museum of Art. But now it's about a newly uncovered appreciation and awe.

My grandma used always says to me "you won't carry anything you learn on your back." What it means is that whatever you learn or accomplish will be of benefit to you or those around you down the road, such as a new skills, new language, new degree, etc. It will serve you or the world at some point in your life and in some way. It’s not going to be a burden “on your back” and it will come in handy.

As a coach (and I suppose as a human), I am often asked "What’s the formula? How do you do it?” And “it” in this case means “plunging in, getting things done and still feeling grateful.” Or at least that’s what I think it means.

Well, darlings, I’ve been thinking about it and here is the “magic” formula. Don’t be disappointed though, it’s not all that sophisticated.

Step 1: Just show up, as completely as you can.

Step 2: Get your hands dirty. Do the work. All of it. Whatever “work” means in your context. It could be filling out a 20 page application to college, updating your resume, writing your business plan, having a difficult conversation with someone important in your life, just getting up in the morning, preparing for an exam, painting over a spot on your new art work after an unfortunate accident with red wine…or something totally different.

Step 3: When tempted to quit, don’t! Simple as that. It’s going to get hard. You’ll question your commitment. It’s going to get uninteresting and unsexy. One of my favorite  business thinkers is Peter Drucker wrote: “Like so many brilliant people, he believes ideas move mountains. But bulldozers move mountains; ideas show the bulldozers where they should go to work.” Basically don’t be too in love with your beautiful ideas, put them in action! Become that bulldozer. Get shit done. Now, keep in mind, there are no guarantees. Plus guarantees are laughable and meaningless anyway. Could it at times (or a lot of times) feel like all your hard work is “for nothing”? Absolutely. Could you still trust that it is leading to your next important dot? Absolutely.

Step 4:  Trust that the stars will align and the dots will connect. And trust that they connect even if you can’t tell how and when and where. Most times you won’t be aware or wise enough to notice. Be ok with it.

Step 5: Be grateful. You know that saying “just happy to be here.” Really become one with it. Be happy to be here, wherever “here” is. And appreciate the actual journey, just on pure faith alone.

Step 6: Watch for the signs and listen for the whispers of fate. Can you see them? Hear them? Feel them? Learn to notice. And when you notice, well, that’s the sweetest part. Just take a deep spiritual bow. Say a prayer of gratitude, not just for the dots themselves but for the Divine glimpse of clarity you were awarded.

Step 7: Repeat step 1.

So you may be wondering, how do I know that the dots connected? I am not sure all of them did. I can never be sure. But I still feel grateful. I believe some of my dots are forming a new constellation and it feels sweet and humbling. This is not a celebratory dance or egoistic self-indulgence. It's actually the opposite. It's an acknowledgement that there are higher powers at play and I appreciate being invited to the dance.  

My favorite book quotes from 2013

When one has a blog, this time of the year, one is tempted to write a sappy “year in review” type of post. I contemplated it, but ultimately decided against it. Instead, I am going to share quotes from some of my favorite books from my 2013 reading frenzy. After all it is through books that I often find my true self. My own life comes into a clearer focus. The books are my teachers and my companions.  They offer wisdom and insight, and I listen to them…As you will see, the books are a crazy array of everything – and they are just a sampling – because that’s how life is – a crazy array of everything, isn’t?  Also, as much as you try, it willl probably be hard to pin point exactly “why” certain quotes are on this list. It’s hard to explain - some arejust for the beauty of the language and the writing, others for the wisdom it offers., yet others for inexplicable reasons – just because they touched something in me. My reasons are not as important as your own reactions to what you read. Enjoy and Happy New Year!

~The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven.
~That’s what I’m offering you.” His breath was warm against her skin. “I want to fill your life with color and warmth. I want to fill it with light.”

Redeeming Love: A Novel by Francine Rivers

~Frying chicken always makes me feel a little better about life.
~Some folks is whispering, murmuring to God, and a quiet power fill up the room, like bees buzzing on a comb. I say my prayers to myself. When I’m done, I take a deep breath, wait for the others to finish. When I get home tonight, I’ll write my prayers too. This is worth the double time.
~If chocolate was a sound, it would’ve been Constantine’s voice singing. If singing was a color, it would’ve been the color of that chocolate.

The Help by Kathryn Stockett

~Each phase has been accompanied by a utopian rethinking of art’s relationship to the social and of its political potential – manifested in a reconsideration of the ways in which art is produced, consumed and debate.

Artificial Hells: Participatory Art and the Politics of Spectatorship by Claire Bishop

~Personal choices are not always as personal as they appear. We are all influenced by social conventions, peer pressure, and familial expectations.

~We overwork to overcompensate.

~Guilt management can be just as important as time management for mothers.

~Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to go through life without being labeled by my gender.
~The goal is to give women something men tend to receive automatically—the benefit of the doubt.
~Feeling threatened by others’ choices pulls us all down. Instead, we should funnel our energy into breaking this cycle.
~I am hoping that each woman will set her own goals and reach for them with gusto. And I am hoping that each man will do his part to support women in the workplace and in the home, also with gusto.

Lean In: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead by Sheryl Sandberg

~You, leaders, are artists: a realization that should overwhelm as well as humble. It underscores your public role and the risks involved. You are putting your work on display every day, like an artist.

~Effective Does Not Mean Good We are repeatedly struck by the tolerance of many companies toward people who are highly compromised. Most often, these are people who make money while simultaneously doing immeasurable damage to morale and to the organization.

~C. S. Lewis once remarked that philosophy is the study of what we already know. We would put leadership in the same camp. A common lament from those who read leadership books is that it is all common sense. What else could it be? Leadership is about a relationship between one person and others. As a relationship, it is subject to the same human interests and concerns that infiltrate other areas of our lives. Therefore, if we are accused of common sense, to that we would say, “Good, it should be.”

Every Leader Is an Artist: How the World's Greatest Artists Can Make You a More Creative Leader by William Baker, Michael O'Malley

 

~Ours was the kind of dinner conversation one might expect to find in an English-as-a-second-language course or in the babble of a Pentecostal church.

~You’ll find the balance you need as soon as you let go of how you think things should be and accept them as they are. Watch for the big wave. It’ll push you in the direction of joy.

~Outside my window the gorgeous blue sky and beaming sunshine mocked me. It was a beautiful new day. Against my will, I started to cry again. I didn’t want a new day full of the same shit as yesterday. I didn’t want to be alone. But I didn’t have the courage not to be.

~On the heels of anger came denial. A glorious place to visit, but a dangerous place to live.

~Life is to be embraced. It’s meant to be lived and enjoyed. Make your mistakes, but make them with gusto and learn from them.

~My attorney, Jeannette, was the sort of elegant, overaccomplished woman I normally disliked on principle alone. She was brilliant, fearless, and dressed with a panache even Fontaine could not duplicate. Her skin reminded me of a mocha latte, and her dark, soulful eyes saw through bullshit like laser vision.

~My heart went pop, pop, sparkle, sparkle, shimmer, shimmer, sigh...

Crazy Little Thing (A Bell Harbor Novel) by Tracy Brogan

~If these statistics surprise you, that’s probably because so many people pretend to be extroverts. Closet introverts pass undetected on playgrounds, in high school locker rooms, and in the corridors of corporate America.

~Peer pressure, in other words, is not only unpleasant, but can actually change your view of a problem.

~Persistence isn’t very glamorous. If genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration, then as a culture we tend to lionize the one percent. We love its flash and dazzle. But great power lies in the other ninety-nine percent.

~Where we stumble is where our treasure lies.

~The secret to life is to put yourself in the right lighting. For some it’s aBroadway spotlight; for others, a lamplit desk.

Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking by Susan Cain

 

~My subjects say the real lessons of life are learned by recognizing and coming to terms with being human. Even as victims, we are beneficiaries because it is how we stand up to failure and duress which really marks our progress in life. Sometimes one of the most important lessons is to learn to just let go of the past.

~We don't need to change who we are in relation to life's experiences, only our negative reactions to these events.

~Lesson we must learn from human relationships is accepting people for who they are without expecting our happiness to be totally dependent upon anyone

Journey of Souls: Case Studies of Life Between Lives by Michael Newton

 

~Like the late United States senator Daniel Patrick Moynihan, we believe that people have a right to their own opinion but not their own facts.

~Untruths that are somewhere on the spectrum between totally unconscious and partly conscious, untruths that people tell not only to others but at times to themselves as well.

~Indeed, in the cultural climate of early twentieth-century America, it may have been as politically incorrect to express tolerance as it is to express intolerance in early twenty-first-century America.

Blindspot: Hidden Biases of Good People by Mahzarin R. Banaji, Anthony G. Greenwald

 

~What was wrong with these Russians? Everything they did was slapdash, disorganized, and half-finished.

~This was how Lenin was all the time. He barked orders at everyone, and they did what he said because he always made sense.

~A baby was like a revolution, Grigori thought: you could start one, but you could not control how it would turn out. General Kornilov’s counterrevolution had been crushed before it got started.

Fall of Giants: Book One of the Century Trilogy by Ken Follett

 

~“All transformation appears to be motivated by desperation and emergency.” She wrote, “The beauty and variety of the natural world are merely the visible legacies of endless war.” She wrote, “The victor shall win—but only until he no longer wins.” She wrote, “This life is a tentative and difficult experiment.”

~“I believe that we are all transient,” she began. She thought for a while and added, “I believe that we are half-blind and full of errors. I believe that we understand very little, and what we do understand is mostly wrong. I believe that life cannot be survived—that is evident!—but if one is lucky, life can be endured for quite a long while. If one is both lucky and stubborn, life can sometimes even be enjoyed.”

~She was not afraid of offending religion, as she frequently told her uncle; she was afraid of offending something far more sacred to her: reason.

~You see, I have never felt the need to invent a world beyond this world, for this world has always seemed large and beautiful enough for me. I have wondered why it is not large and beautiful enough for others—why they must dream up new and marvelous spheres, or long to live elsewhere, beyond this dominion . . . but that is not my business. We are all different, I suppose.

The Signature of All Things: A Novel by Elizabeth Gilbert

~Steel vise wrapped around her chest and squeezed so she felt like she was suffocating and she gasped for air, but beneath her panic she could hear the weary, calm voice of experience: You’ve been here before. It won’t kill you. It feels like you can’t breathe, but you actually are breathing. It feels like you’ll never stop crying, but you actually will.

The Husband's Secret by Liane Moriarty

 

About time

Time flies, people say...

Questions swirl and dance on the floor of my mind:

How did it become November?

Did I feel everything I was meant to feel?

Will it get windy and cold and will it be alright?

Will I still remember what I must not forget?

Have I become better?

Time flies, they say...

Life smiles a frank smile: "Too fast for you kid?"

And answers swirl around the ceiling of my soul:

November came simply and quietly after October, as it should have, as it always does.

You felt what you should have, as you always do, as you always will.

It will get windy and cold, but it is going to be alright, as it always is, as it always has been.

Your mind won't remember but your soul will, as it always does, as it always will.

You have become more of who you are, as you are meant to be, as you always will be.

About Love

The other day I saw a Valentine's day commercial.  It showed a box with a small heart pendant which was surrounded by heart-shaped chocolates. The slogan said that if you get diamonds and chocolate "you know you are loved".

At first I chuckled - does anyone really fall for this!! - but then it got me thinking...The advertisers are at times on to something. The most effective advertising is one which taps into our deepest fears and desires. And this one, with all its obviousness and cheesiness, struck a cord. Why? Because feeling loved is critically important to well-being. So how can you know that you are loved (hint - I don't think diamonds and chocolates are the right barometer)? I mean, really loved, in the deepest and biggest sense of the word? 

• I feel loved when I remember my grandpa, grandma and my mom. Their love energy is always with me. When I was a baby (maybe a toddler),  the story goes that I used to demand that  all of them - mom, grandpa, and grandma especially - should be within my sight when I was in a stroller. It created all kinds of strange and probably uncomfortable walking arrangements, but they happily complied.  I guess, like every baby, I wanted to make sure I can physically see them to truly know I am loved. That's how I imagine them now, by my side, taking every step I take. Although I can't see them, I know I am loved.
• I feel loved sitting on comfortable (slightly worn out) couch, wrapped in a warm fuzzy throw, holding hands with two of my favorite men; one hand is small and fits neatly inside mine while the other envelopes my hand.
• I feel loved when something I worked hard on actually turns  into something tangible and positive. I know that creative energy (all energy) comes from a mysterious, boundless place and I feel loved when I am fortunate enough to tap into it.
• I feel loved when I realize the dots on my life's journey, like distant stars that I didn't even know existed, are connecting into an amazing constellation.
• I feel loved when I screw up royally and the sky does not fall, and I know that it's ok.

I recently read a book called "Proof of Heaven".  It's the account of Dr. Eben Alexander's personal near-death experience. In this book he shares the wisdom he brought from heaven. The messages are simple (one may argue that they are a bit too simple to be dispatched from heaven. But then again, isn't everything true, brilliant and pure also simple?) These messages, in a nutshell, are:

• You are loved and cherished.
• You have nothing to fear.
• The single most important force in the Universe is unconditional Love.

So, about Love (with an intential big L), imagine what the world would be like if all of us knew that we are loved, all the time, no matter what? That would be cool. I am down for that.

 
 

My why

Someone asked me yesterday why I have a blog. I almost began to answer on the spot. But then I realized that the question within that question was "are you crazy? Why disclose so much of yourself to the world". I promised that person that I'd think about it and write a blog post on the topic. The truth is, of course, I am writing to also explain it to myself.  Whether it’s a blog or a painting or another form of "disclosure", the real question is what could be the upside to leaving one's self venerable and exposed?

So here is my "why" (or, I guess, a bunch of them)

• This is not my strongest reason, but why not? I don't mean to be coy about it, just really wondering. If the technology is there, why wouldn't I, or anyone else for that matter, have a blog? 
• I want to connect with the Universe.  I think we are ONE whole (yes, yes, I know  it sounds touchy feely to the skeptics, but that's how I view the world)  And we all want to be heard and understood, or at least acknowledged.  And this process happens through communication. So I imagine that that I am engaged in a conversation with many people all over the world.  I think it's amazing that right this minute I am "speaking" with people I haven't met and through them my "voice" (my spiritual voice not the physical one) can travel much farther than I could ever imagine. For some reason it feels important.
• Those who know me well will tell you that I am a pretty private person. Seems like a contradiction then to having a blog. But it's not.  To me, my paintings are much more revealing and personal than anything I will write.  But unlike words, their true mystery and messages are much more subtle. 
• I believe God lives in everything and everyone, but I think the internet is one of God's latest brilliant inventions. Maybe a blog is a form my prayer...
• It’s for my grandchildren. Really. My grandfather was always worried that he was so poor that  he wouldn’t have any inheritance to leave me when he died. But he actually left me something priceless and enduring - he wrote a lot: his ideas, jokes, memoirs and stories of his life. So, I want to participate in this tradition. I may have switched up the mode of delivery – he used loose-leaf paper, napkins, journals and I use the internet - the essence is the same. Basically this is just a long letter to my future grandchildren.
• I have a lot to say. It may not be always evident from the frequency of my blog posts. But in some way, my destiny writes my next post for me. It just happens. That's why I don't really have a "chatty" kind of a blog where I post to constantly. I think it may drain me and will be rather pointless. It's like painting - it happens when the inspiration meets preparation (or is it the definition of good luck?)
• I think this question – why have a blog – also assumes that you must always be able to eloquently verbalize and contextualize your feelings and actions, make sense of everything. Again, it will sound a bit "out there", but some things are just meant to be. You get an urge to follow through with something (and as long as it is not in any way harmful to other living things and human beings or the environment) it is OK to not have a logical explanation (I have given myself the permission at least). Writing, painting on canvases,  pursuing a "impractical" Master’s degree, falling in love with someone "different", etc - you just get the feeling you must do xyz and that's it. 
• Having a blog makes me feel less alone.It reminds me to notice things I may not notice otherwise and therefore helps me live more consciously.
• It helps me not to take myself too seriously.
• I would have regretted not having a blog. And one of my personal goals is to minimize (if not eliminate) all regrets.
• And one more, I want Oprah to stumble on it, read  it and have an “A-ha” moment :)

Whew, that felt good. Now you. We all have that "something"  in our lives which happens to be viewed as an oddity. What's yours and what's your “why”?