Friday, December 21, 2012

My why

Someone asked me yesterday why I have a blog. I almost began to answer on the spot. But then I realized that the question within that question was "are you crazy? Why disclose so much of yourself to the world". I promised that person that I'd think about it and write a blog post on the topic. The truth is, of course, I am writing to also explain it to myself.  Whether it’s a blog or a painting or another form of "disclosure", the real question is what could be the upside to leaving one's self venerable and exposed?

So here is my "why" (or, I guess, a bunch of them)
  • This is not my strongest reason, but why not? I don't mean to be coy about it, just really wondering. If the technology is there, why wouldn't I, or anyone else for that matter, have a blog? 
  • I want to connect with the Universe.  I think we are ONE whole (yes, yes, I know  it sounds touchy feely to the skeptics, but that's how I view the world)  And we all want to be heard and understood, or at least acknowledged.  And this process happens through communication. So I imagine that that I am engaged in a conversation with many people all over the world.  I think it's amazing that right this minute I am "speaking" with people I haven't met and through them my "voice" (my spiritual voice not the physical one) can travel much farther than I could ever imagine. For some reason it feels important.
  • Those who know me well will tell you that I am a pretty private person. Seems like a contradiction then to having a blog. But it's not.  To me, my paintings are much more revealing and personal than anything I will write.  But unlike words, their true mystery and messages are much more subtle. 
  • I believe God lives in everything and everyone, but I think the internet is one of God's latest brilliant inventions. Maybe a blog is a form my prayer...
  • It’s for my grandchildren. Really. My grandfather was always worried that he was so poor that  he wouldn’t have any inheritance to leave me when he died. But he actually left me something priceless and enduring - he wrote a lot: his ideas, jokes, memoirs and stories of his life. So, I want to participate in this tradition. I may have switched up the mode of delivery – he used loose-leaf paper, napkins, journals and I use the internet - the essence is the same. Basically this is just a long letter to my future grandchildren.
  • I have a lot to say. It may not be always evident from the frequency of my blog posts. But in some way, my destiny writes my next post for me. It just happens. That's why I don't really have a "chatty" kind of a blog where I post to constantly. I think it may drain me and will be rather pointless. It's like painting - it happens when the inspiration meets preparation (or is it the definition of good luck?)
  • I think this question – why have a blog – also assumes that you must always be able to eloquently verbalize and contextualize your feelings and actions, make sense of everything. Again, it will sound a bit "out there", but some things are just meant to be. You get an urge to follow through with something (and as long as it is not in any way harmful to other living things and human beings or the environment) it is OK to not have a logical explanation (I have given myself the permission at least). Writing, painting on canvases,  pursuing a "impractical" Master’s degree, falling in love with someone "different", etc - you just get the feeling you must do xyz and that's it. 
  • Having a blog makes me feel less alone.It reminds me to notice things I may not notice otherwise and therefore helps me live more consciously.
  • It helps me not to take myself too seriously.
  • I would have regretted not having a blog. And one of my personal goals is to minimize (if not eliminate) all regrets.
  • And one more, I want Oprah to stumble on it, read  it and have an “A-ha” moment :)
Whew, that felt good. Now you. We all have that "something"  in our lives which happens to be viewed as an oddity. What's yours and what's your “why”?