Me: Let me ask you a question - what would you do if
you weren't afraid?
Coaching client: [Silence]
Me: Don't rush answering it, I will wait.
Coaching client: Hmmm
[barely audible] What do you mean? In what context?
Me: In whichever context that's most
relevant in your life - professionally, personally, spiritually. What would you do if you weren’t afraid of
[_____________] fill in the blank: failing, looking foolish, being yourself…
Coaching client: [Silence]
Me: You need
time to think it over... Sure. I understand.
“What
would you do if you were not afraid?”
As a coach, I get to ask people difficult to answer questions. One of my favorite questions is “what would you do if you were not afraid?” Why? Because from my own experience, and from the experience of working with many people, I am convinced that underneath a lot of camouflage, it is some fear that’s holding us back. Especially, in our dangerous and unpredictable world, being fearful has its own very un-pretty significance. But this blog post isn't about the state of the World. It's about the state of our own internal world.
“What
would you do if you were not afraid?”
When I ask this question I get a whole wide range of responses. Anything from pregnant silence, to tears, to more specific action steps such as "I would join the circus." In one instance, after grueling 6 months engagement with a client to help her "integrate better" into her "dream job," the answer was "I would walk out the door right now and open my own business. The job is mine but the dream wasn't really mine. It was my parents’ dream. I have a totally different dream."
“What
would you do if you were not afraid?”
In some way a question like this contains something very raw and primal in its core. It’s not dressed up in niceties – it’s all naked. Truth be told - we are all afraid. Fear drives so many major life’s decisions for so many of us (present company included). Answering this question requires us to lift the hood of our rusty, complicated consciousness and look inside. This act itself demands courage. It taunts us. It buzzes like a bee on the flower blossom, anxious and impatient: are you ready to look your deepest fear straight in the eye? Yikes!
“What would you do if you were not afraid?”
And the biggest proverbial slap in the face comes when we realized that once we say it, once we make the answer known, once we give it form, even just in our own minds, it will forever be out there, in the land of things known and realized. We won’t be able to shove it back into the unconscious, under the hood. And therefore, we will never be able to "un-know” it anymore. What then? Will it haunt us? And will it -- gasp -- demand action?
“What
would you do if you were not afraid?”
Since most of us don't want to peel the onion or look inside the infernos of our souls, understandably so, timidness and denial set in. They take different forms: stalling, "extreme case of busy-ness," forgetfulness to respond to an email or text. Then anger may join the party. Sometimes that anger could be directed at the loved ones or at the coach (‘how dare you make me look in the face of my fear?”) And yet sometimes real breakthroughs happen…These breakthroughs are not fast, not easy, and may take decades to bring to reality.
But at one point or another
in our lives, we could and should take the plunge. We are compelled to answer
the call of destiny and verbalize that which our soul had known all along. And
then we can say to ourselves “heck yes!”
Think about it. Fear was
designed for us to protect ourselves, but I think we overdeveloped it. And it's
now protecting us from living our best, fullest lives. Maybe the questions isn’t “what would you do if you were not
afraid,” but rather
“What would you do in spite of fear?”
